“I found my foundation. It was underneath me all along.” ~Jack Johnson
I sit here, in my reading/meditation room looking outside, watching twilight turn into nightfall. A year ago, six months ago, I never would have pictured my life the way it is now.
I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know where I should live. The list of things I don’t know grows exponentially with each passing moment.
What do I know? Six months ago, I first walked into a Bikram yoga studio. Three months ago I wrote a blog about my experiences, but so much has changed since then, so much continues to change.
I frequently take pictures of myself in my yoga outfit and post those pics on fb and here, without hesitation. They show who I am now, and I’m okay with that most days. That is to say they show who I am on the outside, but that’s not really me.
Who am I? I don’t know anymore. I have so many profound thoughts to share here, but they seem to be hiding. I’ve had so many conversations lately about self-talk, and it makes me realize how I talk to myself, inside my head. I tend to so often define myself negatively by my body shape, but maybe it’s time I don’t do that anymore.
I’m smart. I’m funny. I sparkle from the inside out. I love to laugh. I love to make other people happy. I look pretty in pink. I love a good hug, and I love people who love hugs.
And I love doing Bikram Yoga. It’s about so much more than being in a hot hellish room. It’s about the magic that takes place as all the toxins come pouring out of my body. I don’t mean the physical toxins. I mean the emotional ones—all the negative tapes that have filtered through my mind. The more time I spend in the hot room, the more I realize the pathos of the ways in which I have diminished my SELF through my thoughts.
I feel at my happiest when I’m in the HOT room, but I’m also starting to feel like maybe I’ll be okay when I’m outside the room too. There’s so very much more I want for myself in this life, so many more dreams I have to fulfill.
With my father’s death still foremost in my mind, I have moments where I just feel this gaping hole in my heart, but I’m also finding the courage to learn to sit and feel the emptiness, not to try and fill it before it’s ready to be filled, but to sit and just feel. Then maybe I’ll find some of the answers I’m searching for.
But even if I don’t find the answers, I have a place to go where my heart feels at home, where my dreams find roots so their flowers will blossom, and a place where my mind finds some quiet, allowing the love in my heart to flourish.
Me with MK (who introduced me to Bikram) and Loren (the BEST Bikram teacher EVER)