Random Musings on Food, Yoga, Weight Loss, Grief, and Other (Un)related Things

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about food, grief, my relationship with food, and all sorts of other life issues. Food has always been a comfort to me, even more so now. I’m not sure exactly what my intentions are with this entry other than to share random thoughts.

Weight loss is important to me.  It is. So is being healthy. But I’ve been on this road long enough to know that my journey just can’t be about weight loss. You see I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I have struggled with clean eating since my dad died and if I’m honest since a couple of months before he died. I haven’t been eating horribly by any means, but not clean either. But I want to, and I’m working on it.

Sometime last week I really decided to renew my efforts at looking at my current eating habits, and the results were inevitable. I watched my emotional self rise up. I could feel myself becoming needy. I felt a huge weight on my chest. I didn’t feel like going to yoga on Friday. I didn’t feel like going to yoga today (Monday). I didn’t feel like going to spinning on Sunday.

I could feel the oppressive sadness of my mood. I’ve made so many strides with food, but I need to make more, and I know that requires looking at how I assuage my pain with my eating.

I KNOW I have to do this because this is the only way I’ll succeed on this path. Have you seen the statistics on how many people are NOT successful at losing weight? How many people regain their weight after weight loss surgery? The stats are not good. And I know why they’re not good. If people don’t face their demons, the reasons why they gained weight in the first place, they’ll always go back to the behavior. I know that. I’ve lived that.

Continuing to work at losing weight, continuing to work at being healthy in every way means I have to look at some painful truths. It’s hard for me without my dad. I miss him more today than I imagined. My only other family really is my mom. It’s not that I don’t have other relatives, but I don’t see them. Yes, I’m blessed to have some awesome friends and a wonderful online community, but I still feel a certain loneliness that it’s just my mom and me.

I’ve felt so needy this weekend. But I didn’t really share that with anyone because I knew I needed to feel it. And as bad as I felt, and as much as I wanted to wallow in that state I still got up and went to yoga, went to spinning because I KNEW and I KNOW that to succeed I have to work through it. I can’t go around it, or I’ll never see the other side.

Food, as I’ve expressed before, represents a certain love, a certain escape. Yes, those are certain falsehoods, BUT it’s helped me through some rough times. It’s helping me now. But I’m ready to find a better way.

What does that look like? When I’m really successful at having a healthier relationship with the food I put in my body, it’s so simple. I keep a notebook and write down what I eat every day. No judgment.  Just observations. If I eat this for breakfast, then maybe I won’t eat that for lunch. I’m looking more now at eating whole foods and not processed foods. My body feels so much better when I’m eating natural foods.  Bathroom habits go much more easily, if you know what I mean.

And if I have an emotional reaction I write that down too because I have those ALL THE TIME.  I am an emotional eater. I am a reactor.  Not like I used to be though.

That’s why yoga will always be a part of my life. Even on days when I’d rather wallow in self-pity, throw a temper tantrum, cry huge tears, I’ll always go to yoga because it helps me find a way through the cr*p. And you wanna know a secret? My body is soooo much more toned for doing yoga as much as I do.  You should see how much I can hold in my core now!! It’s kinda cool! Being physically active helps me feel better.  That’s why I went to the spin class on Sunday. That’s why I went for a walk in the rain on Saturday. Any weight loss is a side effect. I LOVE feeling the clarity that comes with being physically active.

I made it through this weekend. In the words of the philosopher Barry Manilow “I made it through the rain / and found myself respected / By the others / who got rained on too”. I’ll make it through this. I am making it through this. One yogic breath at a time. You’ll make it through the rain too. All you have to do is ask. All you have to do is make the effort. There’s an awesome world out there just waiting.  And it’s only one thought away!!!  Choose that thought! I am!!!  Actually, I don’t know any other way to be…….

I meant to end the entry there. Then I started thinking about Ralph Waldo Emerson and his thoughts on self-reliance. I’ve spent most of my life living for others, wanting and needing their approval. I’m learning to trust myself and that’s no easy feat, but it’s worth it. “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind” — the genius of Emerson speaks loud and clear.  Trust myself. Trust my heart. It’s the only way.

IF you’d like, please feel free to follow my daily journey on facebook via my community fitness page:

https://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsofaHawaiianPrincess

and my personal facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/IggieSue

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6 thoughts on “Random Musings on Food, Yoga, Weight Loss, Grief, and Other (Un)related Things

  1. I was looking at the albums of photos that our lovely Kathy put together of the many events of the English department. Then, I saw a photo of yours, Nancy. I couldn’t believe my eyes to realize how much, but how much you have accomplished the past year and now in becoming a healthy person. I feel so proud of you. I feel envious of your willpower to embark in this difficult journey of changing eating habits, doing Yoga, and taking care of yourself. You and only you are capable of doing it. I feel so happy for you when I see your latest pictures and see that you look half of the former Nancy used to be. I understand that you loved and miss your dad. Just think that your dad is in a better place now, and he is watching over you. He would not like to see that you would “waver?” (is this the right word? – excuse my English)…I want to try to say that he would not like that you weaken in your endeavors. I admire you to see the way you bend your body and do those hard positions and exercises. I wish I could have the willpower and energy to just give up sweets and do more exercises….not just to lose weight but to be H-E-A-L-T-H-Y. You are still a young woman, so you are doing the right thing for when you get older. You are an inspiration and an example. I walk almost every day one hour, just to keep my body in movement….my legs and hips not to get “corroded.” I’m turning 68 this year, and I will keep doing it. Who gave me that impulse to do this, and do walking, and avoid carbs? My Larry. I have learned a lot from him and also from you. You keep it up…you are doing great. I have three first cousins who always were overweight: 250, 350, 280 pounds each. Five or six years ago or maybe more, they had the by-pass gastric operation. They looked great after the operation, but they did not keep it up with eating the right food. Unfortunately, they gained some weight back, not as they were before though. One thing goes combined with the other. You have accomplished a lot. I follow your blog and like the pictures of the food you prepare for yourself. I know it is a lot of work. Don’t dismay….be happy that your dad is not suffering any disease and now he is fine and happy to see you progressing in your goals day by day. You have lost a big amount of weight, and that made you not to have high blood pressure, or diabetes, or psoriasis like one of my cousins had. All the bad conditions disappear when u lose weight. I believe that when you consider the right time you may want to talk to a doctor to see how could u do with the excess of skin. Does it worry you? You are a new woman now, Nancy, please keep it up and do not lose heart. I’ve been trying to do your yoga positions….nada, nada…it is impossible for me…I’m not flexible at all. Good luck, and please keep us posted, as usual. xoxo. Martha Alzamora

  2. As you show us, proper self-love, proper care of the body and the mind, etc. is a step by step process. No one is perfect in all areas all the time. That’s life on the earth plane but moving forward each day is also life on the earth plane. You encourage us all.

  3. Once again you are amazing. Every word you write I can feel your truth. There isn’t a feeling you have described that I haven’t felt along my endless weight journey. Thin is not well is my motto. It can be if you’ve gotten there by following the road less traveled. To look at your “stuff” and to own your stuff is it. The inner road. It takes guts and you’ve got them Nancy.

  4. I love the honesty and bravery or your posts. We are exactly where we are supposed to be- thanks for sharing your thoughts. I like to think that our setbacks are our mind’s way of showing us that we need to take a look at something- that we must reevaluate in order to make a step forward. Shanti and Namaste.

  5. Nancy – You continue to find new ways to examine your inner self. Keep up the good work and you will be where you want to be, physically, mentally, and spiritually, sooner than you think! 🙂

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